Albus Severus and Ron's Birthday Surprise
by anti albus severus
Summary: Desparate to get rid of him for a little bit and running out of ideas of what to do for Ron's birthday, Harry and Ginny give Ron Albus Severus in a box jokingly. But when Albus Severus plans to sabatoge the Weasley family, can they make it out alive?
1. Chapter 1

**Albus Severus and Ron's Birthday Surprise**

It was the day before Ron Weasley's birthday and Harry and Ginny Potter didn't know what to get him. Albus Severus had honey all over his body.

"Mummy! James squirted honey on me and my favorite Daddy shirt!" whined Albus Severus.

"Stupid child!" said Ginny clapping her hands making a sound that hurt Albus Severus's ears. Albus Severus cried. "Don't you just wish we could get rid of him?" Ginny sighed.

"Yeah, put him in a box and give him to Ron for his birthday." said Harry. "Without a gift receipt." He added. Ginny laughed. Harry thought for a moment. "No it's not a joke. It's possible."

"Get out of town!" said Ginny. "That would never work."

"Yes it would." Said Harry. "We'd just put Albus Severus in a box and when Ron opens it we leave!"

"Ron will murder him!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Hermione has a heart. She'll go as far as to let Ron have Albus Severus hospitalized." Said Harry, before adding hopefully, "Maybe Ron will punch out his voice box."

"Are you sure about this?" said Ginny nervously.

"It would just be for a laugh." Harry said innocently.

Just then Albus Severus was rolling in honey saying, 'Look at me, Daddy!' Ginny took one look at him in disgust and said seriously to Harry, "Get the box."

The day was March 1st and the Potter family was going to the Weasleys' for Ron's birthday. Harry was carrying Albus Severus in a big box. "I can't wait till he leaves!" said Lily.

"I know!" said James. "It will be the happiest day of my life."

Harry knocked on the door, and Ron opened it. He screamed in delight at the sight of him, and screamed even louder at the sight of his giant present.

"Look at this thing, Hermione, its huge!" Ron said, grabbing hold of it.

"Yes, it is fairly large." Hermione noted.

"A lot better than your present." Ron complained, before saying to Harry, "Hermione got me a sweater. That she made herself! Don't you think I get enough of those from my mum?"

"I told you, I have another present! You have to wait till after dinner to open it! The sweater was just something I made when I had extra time." She argued.

"Yeah, well either way, it's not as big as Harry and Ginny's, so obviously not as good." Ron said.

"Good things come in small packages!" Hermione said.

"Shut, shut, shut it!" Ron snarled. Hermione scolded him.

The night was going great and everyone was having fun. "Where's Albus Severus?" Said Hermione. "Everything has been so calm."  
"Oh, he's at home."Ginny lied.

"That's the best present of all!" Said Ron happily.

"Hey!" said James. "Let's play guess what's in Ron's big present!"

"How do you play that?" said Hugo.

"You just shake, roll, throw, and drop it, etc." said James.

"Basically anything that will hurt the present." said Rose.

"Sounds fun." said Lily.

The four cousins threw around Albus Severus. Every time the box was thrown at James or Lily they would 'accidentally' drop it. Meanwhile, in the box, Albus Severus was told to be quiet and only play with his magnets, although it was quite hard when you were being thrown around and turned upside-down. The game continued for nearly half an hour until Ron wanted to play. Hermione slapped him saying, "You are such a child, Ronald!"

"I love you too!" Ron said to Hermione, stroking his slapped cheek. She told everyone to stop playing, but it didn't bother them because they lost interest as soon as Ron wanted to play. Playing with your uncle or father was just a little weird.

After Ron's cake and ice cream, it was time to open presents. Ron opened Rose and Hugo's gift first.

"We made it ourselves!" Hugo said happily. It was another sweater.

"Oh, how, er,nice." Ron said. "Now I have about seventeen."

"He loves it, don't you, Ronald?" Hermione said sternly.

"Oh yeah, I don't have any other sweaters with, er, three arms." He said.

"Put it on, _daddy_." Rose cooed.

"Oh, well it doesn't match with my pants." Ron stuttered.

"Don't be gay, _daddy_, put the sweater on!" Rose yelled.

Everyone laughed as Ron put on the sweater and wore a sheepish grin.

"Mum taught us how to knit!" Hugo boasted.

"I can see that." Said Ron.

It was time to open Hermione's present. "This'll be good." said Ron sarcastically.

"You say that one more time and you won't get a present!" said Hermione.

"My lips are sealed!" said Ron as Hermione handed the gift. Ron looked at it and said "Another envelope! What is it a coupon for a 5 Knut haircut?"

"Watch it!" Hermione warned him. Ron tore open the envelope. They were tickets for a cruise to Hawaii. "Wow, Hermione you weren't lying, these are awesome! Harry and Ginny's present can't possibly be better then this."

"He's on to us!" Ginny whispered to Harry.

"We leave tomorrow, _just you and me._" Hermione said as she hugged him in thanks.

"Even better." said Ron happily, setting the tickets down before kissing her. James handed Ron the Albus Severus box. "Get your jackets." Harry whispered to his family.

"Why leave so soon?" said Ron, confused. "Can't you just see me open your present?"

"It's er…" said Harry.

"Chilly!" finished Ginny.

"Really? I don't feel anything." said Ron. "Maybe it's because I have this sweater on. Ah well…" He shrugged, before tearing open the wrapping paper. With a look of delight, he opened the big box. His smile disappeared to a look of pure horror as Albus Severus popped out. That was the last thing the Potters saw as they sprinted out the door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Weasleys screamed. "WHAT IS IT?!"

"I go look it up in _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_!" said Hermione hysterically.

"There's no time!" Ron yelled, hoisting Hermione in a fireman's lift and running up the stairs.

"RON!" cried Hermione.

"WHAT?!" called Ron.

"THE CHILDREN!" shouted Hermione.

"Oh. right." said Ron dropping Hermione suddenly. As Hermione screamed in pain, Ron ran down the stairs and grabbed Rose and Hugo.

"Let's go to Rose's room! It's the biggest and it has a T.V.!" said Ron.

Just then the 'creature' followed them. Hugo noticed that there were some magnets and a picture of Harry on the ground.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S ALBUS SEVERUS!" shrieked Hugo.

"IT'S EVEN SCARIER THEN A BASILISK!" exclaimed Rose. They ran upstairs, but not before Albus Severus followed them.

"NEED LOVE!" He screeched, crawling up the stairs, the box still on his back like a turtle's shell. "NEW FAMILY! HUGS! KISSES! LOVE! LOVE!"

The Weasley ran as fast as they could, but Hermione lagged behind. She was limping as she seemed to have sprained her ankle when Ron dropped her. Albus Severus smelled weakness in her. He snatched her leg. "NEW MUMMY!!! HUGGIE!!!!" roared Albus Severus.

Hermione cried, "RON! RON! RON! HELP!"

Ron started to run towards Hermione.

"Duh, duh, DUUUUUHHHH! When Albus Severus attacks!" Hugo said for Rose's entertainment as they both laughed.

"NO LAUGHING!" Ron commanded. "This is serious!"

"NEW DADDY!" said Albus Severus hugging Ron's legs, as Ron tried to scoop up Hermione. "DISGUSTING! GET AWAY FROM ME!" said Ron.

"Wait a minute! Who am I kidding! My heart belongs to Harry!" Albus Severus laughed. Everyone exchanged nervous glances. "It's funny! LAUGH!" said Albus Severus.

"Ha ha ha. Funny." Everyone laughed nervously.

"Ew…Gross! Hugo, that's like you liking _Daddy_!"Rose giggled.

"There is something seriously wrong with this kid then." Hugo said flatly.

"Hey, Albus Severus! It's your dad!" Ron said, pointing.

"Ohh! Where?" Albus Severus said, turning around with a hungry look in his eyes. Ron punched him.

"Suck on that!" Ron yelled happily, and picked Hermione up and carried her up the stairs.

"Hurray!"Cried the Weasleys.

All of a sudden, Albus Severus started to stir. "Lies! Albus Severus hates liars! Me attack!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Weasleys screamed.

"DO SOMETHING, RON!" Hermione shrieked.

"RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!" He shouted.

The Weasleys ran into Rose's room, and Ron slammed the door right before Albus Severus reached it. The Weasleys panted and sat in silence. "What do you think would have happened if he got to us?" said Rose.

"I don't want to talk about it." said Ron.

Meanwhile, the Potters were doubled up with laughter as they reached the house.

"And did you see Uncle Ron's face, Dad?" James said eagerly.

"Didn't it look something like this?" Harry said, doing a strange but accurate and hilarious imitation.

"What about Albus Severus's!" Lily said excitedly.

"Oh, I wonder what their doing now…" Ginny said.

"Ron's probably crying because Albus Severus ate his cake." Harry said.

"Aunt Hermione's probably wiping him with decontamination spray." said James.

Harry went to take off his coat, and he noticed something inside.

"Oh no! We took Ron and Hermione's cruise tickets!" Harry said.

"Maybe we could use them." Ginny suggested.

Meanwhile, Albus Severus took a liking to looking at pictures of his Dad in Aunt Hermione's scrapbook. He would draw hearts around the pictures of his Dad. "This is one of the most fun things I've done in my life." said Albus Severus. Albus Severus noticed that in all the pictures the Weasleys looked incredibly happy. That bugged him. They were hugging and kissing and laughing and having fun. Every picture at his house that he was included in was sad. The people were fighting and sometimes crying. He wanted his family to be happier then the Weasleys. He must ruin them. "Tehe wait till everyone sees the pictures I hearted of Daddy." he smirked. "Then I will sabotage the family because I am hearting the pictures of Daddy. Uncle Ron will think Aunt Hermione always liked Harry. Then they will get in a huge fight and Uncle Ron will have to sleep on the couch. It will be hilarious. I will tell all my friends about it; Daddy, the birds, and the squirrels at the park. I will blog about it on my website. .com/gov/net. Maybe somebody will actually read it. But before that happens, I will make the Weasleys love me. Then, I will slowly take over their family and make them SUFFER! MUWHAHAHA!!!!!"

Meanwhile, the Weasleys were stranded in Rose's room. They were restless and hungry. Although Rose's room was big and spacious, they sat huddled against the door.

"Why is Albus Severus such a freak?" Hugo asked.

"Maybe, he's this way because everyone hates him and he doesn't have love." Rose suggested.

"That's my little Rosie. Always thinking." Ron boasted.

"You haven't heard 'The Story'?" said Ron. "Hermione! You were supposed to tell them!"

"I didn't want our kids to be exposed to such nonsense!" said Hermione.

"Fine! I'll tell them!" said Ron. "Eleven years ago, when Albus Severus was born, things weren't going the way everyone expected. They thought Albus Severus would be born normal but, the truth is that he was born magenta."Rose and Hugo screamed in horror. "Anyway," said Ron "Everyone had the same look of horror on their faces. George didn't want to be Godfather, that's why he's Lily's. And then one day, when James was holding Albus Severus, he dropped him. Also, I think that he just was born weird. My only regret is that I didn't drop him myself. Well, there you have it! Now you know why Albus Severus is so weird."

Hours later, Hermione whispered to Ron, "What's he doing?"

Ron opened the door a crack. Albus Severus was happily making clay dolls of himself and the Weasley family. He then noticed Ron looking at him. Instead of attacking him, he took Ron's doll, and put one of his magnets under it. He then put a magnet on top of it. The magnets snapped together, and the Ron doll was destroyed. Albus Severus laughed evilly. Ron closed the door.

"He's making voodoo dolls of us." Ron said in a high-pitched voice. "He wants to kill me."

"Oh, think rationally, Ron. He's eleven."

"You didn't see those magnets smash together and my doll become a pummeled pudding!" Ron protested.

The Weasleys stayed in silence for a few minutes. "You know, guys," Ron started, "If we don't make it out of here, I have some things I'd like to share."

"Don't talk like that, Ron!" Hermione shouted.

"Well, in case we die-"

"Ron!"

"I'd like to get some things out." He said, and took a deep breath. "Hermione, you know that time your parents came over and you made that delicious bunt cake and you got really mad because Hugo ate half of it before your parents came over?"

"Yes?" Hermione said.

"I actually ate it. And Confunded Hugo into thinking he ate it!" Hermione gasped.

"I got grounded for a week because of that!" Hugo complained.

"And remember two years ago when I was late for our anniversary dinner, and I told you I got off of work late?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Yes?" She said.

"I was actually at a Quidditch game with George." He confessed.

"Ron!" Hermione shouted.

"Hey, don't get mad, we could die." He laughed. "Oh, and remember when we were dating and I made you a birthday cake?"

"Oh, yes." Hermione said thoughtfully.

"It wasn't cake." He said flatly.

"Was that the one I ate and then got food poisoning the next day?" Hermione asked.

"Yep. Oh, and then, when I proposed-"

"I don't even want to know, Ronald." Hermione said, shaking her head.

"Okay now it's your turn." said Ron

"What?! Nobody asked you to confess your darkest secrets." said Hermione.

"Yeah well I did, so you have to. You could die not telling me something." said Ron.

"Ron, don't talk like that the children are crying!" said Hermione.

"They are crying because you won't tell us anything!" said Ron.

"Oh all right! One time in third year I copied off your test!" Hermione said quickly.

"What!? Hermione Granger, copy Ron Weasley's test!"

"Yes, I know, and I paid the price. I only got an E on it."

"So is cheating good, Mum?" Hugo asked innocently.

Ron and Rose laughed. "Good one, Hugo!" Ron said.

"No, no it isn't! I had too many classes and I forgot to study! I felt bad about it afterwards." Hermione explained.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell us, Hermione? Do you have a second husband that you're cheating with?" Ron yelled, laughing.

"No!" Hermione shouted.

The Weasleys had been locked in Rose's room long enough.

"I'm HUNGRY!" Ron cried.

"Of course you are." Hermione said.

"I'm STARVING!" He complained. "Hugo, go get me something out of Rosie's mini fridge."

"I don't have a mini fridge anymore, _Daddy_." Rose whined.

"WHAT!?" Ron roared.

"Mum took it away. So it's her fault we're starving!"

"Awww, Mum!" Hugo complained.

"Yeah, Mum." Ron said, but as soon as he caught Hermione's glare he stopped.

"For your information, I put the mini fridge in our room. It's your nightstand."

"Oh. Wicked." said Ron. "But I'm still starving."

"Then get some food!" Hermione yelled.

"No! Albus Severus is down there! Hermione, can't we Apparate out of here?"

"No! Because we forgot our wands downstairs! You're an Auror, aren't you taught to have your wand on you at all times?" Hermione complained.

"And you're the smart one! Where's your wand, eh?" Ron replied.

"Okay, fair enough. But if you want food go get it yourself!" preached Hermione.

Even more hours after that, the Weasley were still pathetically hiding in Rose's room from their nephew/cousin. Rose was lying against Ron, and Hugo against Hermione.

"_Daddy_," Rose said, opening her eyes as she woke up.

"Yes, Rosie?" Ron said.

"Haven't we been in here long enough!? It's just Albus Severus! Haven't you and mum defeated Voldemort? You can stop him!" Rose protested.

"Oh, this is getting ridiculous! He's eleven years old! Ron, it's time you show him whose boss! Go out there and get rid of him!" Hermione yelled.

"No! He's scary!" Ron said truthfully.

"Ron, who's in charge of this house?" Hermione asked him.

"You." He said simply.

"Ha ha. Very funny. It's _you_, Ron. Who's the man of the house?"

"You."

Hermione slapped him. "Good one, Dad!" Hugo laughed.

"I don't find that very funny, Ronald. Now who's the man of the house?"

"Hugo?" He guessed.

"It's you, Ron!" Hermione preached.

"Who fights crime all the time while I sit behind a desk!?" Hermione yelled.

"Oh. That one's me, I guess." He said sheepishly.

"Yes, of course it's you! Now go get Albus Severus!"

"Yeah!" Ron yelled, and the children cheered.

Ron opened the door. Albus Severus was doing some kind of war dance. Ron slammed it. "I can't do it!" He screamed. "Hermione, you go!"

"No, I have to watch the children!"

"I'll watch them, they like me better anyway. I give them ice cream for dinner. You give them organic celery. Is it even possible for celery to get any healthier?" Ron said.

Hermione ignored this comment. "Ron, I have complete faith in you." She whispered, kissing him.

"That's all I needed to hear!" Ron said happily. "But, let's shake on it."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"You know, make me promise I'll defeat him."

"Alright, but I don't see the purpose." Hermione shrugged.

Ron and Hermione held hands, and started to shake while Ron said, "I promise to defeat Albus Severus…. AND YOU HAVE TO BE MY SLAVE FOR A WHOLE DAY! HA HA HA!"

Ron, Rose, and Hugo laughed and cheered. "What do you mean?"

Ron clapped and jumped up and down. "You can clean our room, do my laundry, feed me, and tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!"

Hermione looked at him in confusion. "But I already do that for you."

"Oh. Then I get to buy the groceries for a week!"

"No! All you'll get is junk food and ten boxes of Double Stuff Oreos!" Hermione protested.

" Me likey me Double Stuff!" He said with a mischievous grin. "But fine! We won't even have food because Albus Severus will eat it all, and maybe even eat us if I don't stop him soon!" Ron yelled.

"Oh, all right." Hermione sighed.

"Ice cream for breakfast, kids!" Ron yelled.

"Yay!" Rose and Hugo cheered.

"Ron, aren't you forgetting something?" Hermione reminded him.

"Albus Severus!"

"Oh, right!" Ron said, and with one last look at his family, he closed the door to face Albus Severus.

Albus Severus was running around with his pants on his head and his tightie whities showing. He was screaming "Hermyown, Hermyown!" Ron grabbed his spare broom.

"Hey Albus Severus, get out of my house!" screamed Ron.  
"Never!" said Albus Severus and he threw his pants on top of Ron. Ron rolled around on the ground, screaming in terror.

"What's happening to _Daddy_, Mum?" Rose cried.

"I don't know!" Hermione yelled.

Ron eventually pulled off the pants.

"Hiya, Harry!" Ron greeted, waving.

Albus Severus turned around. Ron whacked him with the broom. "Oh Albus Severus, you're obsession with your dad is just sick." He laughed as he carried the unconscious Albus Severus back into the box.


	2. Chapter 2

"It's just too bad Ron and Hermione couldn't go on their cruise." Harry laughed.

"So, we just had to go for them." Ginny giggled. Just then, an owl swooped over them. This was not out of the ordinary, because the cruise was for wizards only. Harry caught the note.

_Dear Harry and Ginny,_

_Thanks for making this the worst birthday ever. I'm going to be sending Albus Severus back to you. If it's possible, I hate him even more now. I think he's rabid. I'm really mad at you right now, and so is Hermione. We will not be leaving our kids at your house when we go on the cruise. _

_I kind of hate you right now,_

_Ron_

_Dear Ron and Hermione,_

_Your birthday just got a whole lot worse, because we took your cruise tickets and are on it right now. I guess you'll just wait till we get back to return him._

_Love,_

_Harry and Ginny_

_Dear Harry and Ginny,_

_Whatever. I'm so mad at you right now; I can't express it in words. Just have fun, because when you get home, you're life is over, I'll make sure of that. Hermione wanted me to give you the supplies we were going to bring._

_I hate you at the moment,_

_Ron_

Harry looked at Ginny. "He's pretty mad at us."

"He took it lighter than I expected." She shrugged. "Let's open the package."

Harry took out his wand. He blasted the box open. Harry and Ginny's looks of greed and giddy turned to utmost fright.

The box was filled with not swimsuits and towels, but Albus Severus.

"Daddy, I missed you!" He squealed, giving him a bear hug.

"Ahh! Albus Severus germs!" Harry screamed.

"Harry, let's go!" Ginny said, holding out her hand.

Harry didn't take it because he jumped off the boat and into the ocean. Ginny followed him with a spectacular dive.

"I can't swim! I can't swim!" Harry whined, waving his arms like a manic.

Albus Severus was blowing kisses from the boat.

"Harry!" Ginny said calmly.

"We're gonna die! Or I'm gonna die! The Dursleys never gave me swimming lessons!" Harry complained hysterically.

"Harry!" Ginny said loudly. "We can Apparate!"

"Oh. See you at home." Harry said happily before disappearing.

Harry and Ginny Apparated in front of Ron and Hermione's house. They knocked on the front door.

"What are you doing here?" Ron said rudely when he answered the door. "Going to give me Voldemort in a box?"

"We don't expect you to forgive us yet, but we felt bad about taking your cruise tickets so we're giving them back." Harry explained.

Ron snatched them out of Harry's hands. "This has been the worst birthday ever!" He snarled. "Hey, Hermione, we got the cruise tickets back!" Ron called.

"Oh, tell Harry and Ginny they're jerks from me!" Hermione called back.

Ron smiled. "Hermione says you're jerks." He said simply.

"Oh, and our kids will not be staying with you." Ron told them.

"Where will they go?" Ginny asked.

"Not anywhere to do with you two and Albus Severus!" Ron growled.

* * *

Ron knocked on the door. "I don't know about this, Ron," Hermione said, "he might forget to feed them."

"Oh shut up Hermione!" said Ron. "He's not that stupid!"

"You rang?" George said leaning against the door.

"Uncle George!!!!!!!!" Rose and Hugo screamed, and ran up to hug him.

"Hey kids!" George said happily. "Well, well, well if it isn't my favorite wittle brother and my favorite wittle sister-in-law who swore they would never let their kids stay at my house. Well here we are, Ron. Here we are."

"Hello, George." said Hermione, laughing before hugging him.

"How do you know I want to drop my kids off?" Ron said as he was clobbered into a hug by George.

"You sent me an owl." George said.

"Right. But, um, is it okay?" Ron asked nervously.

"No, Ron. It's not okay. Your kids can sleep outside." George said sarcastically.

"See Ron I told you!" Hermione protested.

"I was kidding!" said George, he turned to Rose and Hugo and said, "Why don't you go inside and Aunt Angelina will let you choose from the six guest bedrooms! But hurry up, because then we've going to go shopping for stuff to make you're rooms more homey, and then we can go to the shop and pick out the latest products so you two, Fred, and Roxanne can have a prank war! Boys verses girls!"

"Yay!" Rose and Hugo cheered.

"Ice cream for dinner, kids!" George cheered.

Hermione sighed. "Now be good, Rose. You too, Hugo."

"Yeah, right!" George laughed.

"This is why I never wanted them to come." Ron said dismally.

"Why, because they'll have no rules?" Hermione asked.

"No, because they'll never want to come home." Ron said.

"Now, George, don't go off buying them stuff for their rooms." Hermione commanded.

"Please, Hermione, I'm rich!" George scoffed.

"Hawaii-i-EE, Hawaii-i-O," Albus Severus sang as he did the hula in a hula skirt and coconut bra. Albus Severus had fun for the last few hours being the boat's orphan. He stole food when nobody was looking and snuck into rooms to take showers every forty minutes. "Gotta be clean, gotta be green." He'd say to his imaginary friends. He ruined the afternoon performance of the hula dancers by getting up on stage and singing his Hawaii song.

While this was happening Ron and Hermione were just starting to enjoy their cruise. "This is so cool, Hermione!" Ron said happily. "Look at this, there is 17 different flavors of smoothies! Try some of this, here." He said, shoving a smoothie under her nose.

"I know, I know. It's just wonderful. Six days all to ourselves."

"Yeah, there's a bowling alley, swimming pool, smoothie bar, regular bar, restaurant, another restaurant, scuba diving, more food, and… ALBUS SEVERUS!?"

"Hawaii-i-EE, Hawaii-i-OH! Aunt Ron, Uncle Hermione! Oopsy, I mean Uncle Ron, Aunt Hermione. Fancy seeing you here! My oh my, isn't it a small world?" Albus Severus screeched.

"Er, it is, isn't it?" Hermione said nervously.

"Let's leave!" Ron whispered.

"No, we must stand our ground!" Hermione said out of the corner of her mouth.

"This cruise just got a whole lot more fun!" Albus Severus said happily. "I have no where to stay, so now we can be roomies! It'll be my first slumber party!

"You didn't go to Hugo's sleepover birthday party?" asked Hermione. Ron stepped on her foot.

"What? Oh well, this will be so much fun! We can do each other's hair, paint our nails, do each other's makeup, play truth or dare, and play who would you date, just like in all the movies!

"Oooh, problem, there's only one bed." Ron said.

"That's okay, I can squeeze in. That's just like what I do with Mummy and Daddy when I have nightmares. Of course then they throw me outside but that's okay. You guys wouldn't do that." babbled Albus Severus.

"We've got to get rid of him!" whispered Hermione to Ron.

Ron thought for a moment. "Hey, Albus Severus! Your dad is on the shore waiting to confess his undying love for you!" He yelled.

Albus Severus's eyes widen as he gasped. "Speedo time!" He squealed. Just then Albus Severus twirled around and he had his Speedo and duck floaty on. He was also wearing the goggles that had lizard eyes to make it creepier and a swim cap with a shark fin on top with matching shark webbed gloves. Albus Severus said "I'm going to do a triple loopy doopy flip!" Albus Severus was getting his game face on. He squatted in an odd diving position, and shook his butt. He blew a kiss to Hermione.

"What was that?' Ron asked loudly.

"Uh, a kiss, smart one!" Albus Severus laughed loudly at his own joke.

"Why did you do that?" Ron asked.

"She's hot!" Albus Severus said, as if it was obvious.

"She's your aunt!" Ron yelled. Hermione had nothing to say, as she had got over to the side of the boat, probably throwing up.

"I'm okay." She panted.

"So? We're only related by marriage." Albus Severus said.

"She's my wife! She's thirty six! You're eleven! My daughter is the same age as you! And she's your aunt!"

"When it comes to women, I have no boundaries except for my Mum and Lily. And I don't like guys; except for my dad. So I have no interest in you, Uncle Ron, in case you were wondering, which I know you were." He giggled.

Hermione threw up yet again, this time on Ron's shoes.

"So you'd date your aunts? You'd date your cousins? You'd date your FATHER?" Ron roared.

"Like you've never wanted to make out with your cousins?" Albus Severus said.

"No, I haven't the slightest. And nobody in the right mind would make out with you." Ron said.

"Oh, after a little more convincing, Rose will come around." Albus Severus said fairly.

Ron punched Albus Severus off the boat. "Farewell, my people. And farewell, my fair maiden." He said, winking to Hermione. Hermione threw up yet again, this time on Albus Severus's head.

"You did it, Ron!" Hermione said, hugging him.

"Yeah, I did!" He said proudly.

"Now we can enjoy our cruise." She said.

Albus Severus had lost sight of the boat. He was flapping his arms like a deranged bird taking in mouthfuls of saltwater.

"Ahh! I'm going to die! I'm going to die! And so is Daddy because he'll be so sad I'm dead!" Albus Severus's life flashed before his eyes. He remembered watching Lily and James take swimming lessons while he sat on the sidelines. James would tease him and say that it was because Mum and Dad hoped he would drown. Albus Severus was scared, so he asked his parents. Ginny said it was because they didn't have the money for three kids to have swimming lessons. The next day Harry bought a hot tub. Albus Severus still believed her.

"I never got swimming lessons!" He cried as he was drowning. His inflatable duck had popped.

Just then a whale with a horn, or a narwhal as Albus Severus noted, being the know-it-all he was, came up taking a breath minding his own business. The horn went right through his Speedo so he was hanging in midair.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! It's gonna kill me!!!!" Albus Severus screamed.

The whale made a long, loud, moaning sound. In whale language he was saying "AHHHHHHH! WHAT IS IT? IT'S TOO UGLY TO BE HUMAN!"

Albus Severus was thinking "Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

Albus Severus sighed. "Salutations, my loyal acquaintance. My name is Albus Severus Potter! You know son of Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived. Or, as I like to call him, The Chosen Father, Mad Diggity Dad, D-Money, Daddy Two-Legs, StarKid Daddy, and the Dad Who Loved.

"Take me to England, baby!" yelled Albus Severus excitedly. The whale started swimming the way he wanted it to go.

"Now I will tell you my life story." Said Albus Severus. "One glorious day I was born. Everyone screamed in horror because they had never seen anything as beautiful, lovely, and delicate as little old me." The whale seemed to snort as water came out of his blowhole, splashing Albus Severus with water.

One hour later. "Then when I was 6, my family took me to Diagon Alley. They tied me to pole like a dog while they went into stores. When I was seven, my mum bought me a kid leash. I still have it!" He bragged like it was an accomplishment.

One more hour later. "And so, my family decided to put me in a box and give to Uncle Ron. Then when I came out, I proceeded to attack mode. The Weasleys didn't know what hit them. What a shame though, because the mum's really hot. And so is the daughter, you know?"

"And then I was shipped on the cruise, I had a lot of fun, but now here I am, riding a whale, going to find my daddy so he'll confess his love for me! Maybe I'll even get a hug!"

The whale was relieved that the story was over. "Now I'll explain everyone in my life. Of course, you could also just read my blog, .com/gov/net, but me telling you in person is a real treat! So, I'll start with my dad. Oh, Daddy…."

Two hours later. "Now, time for my evil brother James. He's so mean to me! One time James…"

An hour after that… "My Uncle Ron! Oh, He hates me! Even more than Mum and Daddy! He's probably tied with James! You know sometimes when he comes over, instead of talking with the adults; he and James pull pranks on me! And I hate him because he's married to Aunt Hermione…"

An hour later. "There's not much to say about my Mum, except I hate her! She's married to my dad! I'm so jealous! You better watch out, Mum, because I'm going to steal him away from you!"

Half hour later. "Lily! She doesn't do much, except BE MEAN TO ME!"

The whale had had enough. He couldn't listen to Lily's life story, Rose's, Hugo's, Uncle George and his family, and anyone else. Yes, he knew the cousins names. It was pathetic. But he only knew them because Albus Severus wouldn't SHUT UP! hE HEven though they were only half way to England, the whale flung Albus Severus on his back. Then, with his blowhole, the water shot up and carried Albus Severus all the way to his doorstep.

He opened the door. "DADDY, I'M HOME!"

Six days later, Ron and Hermione had just Apparated in front of George's doorstep. They looked like tacky tourists. Ron was wearing an extremely ugly bright yellow Hawaiian shirt, and his skin was as red and sun burnt as his hair, except for around his sunglasses tan. Hermione had leis around her neck, and was holding a beach ball in one arm, and in the other she held sun tan lotion, (the sun-tan lotion Ron forgot to use, of course), and a cheesy tiki- torch she was conned into buying because the vendor told her it was bad luck if she didn't buy it .

Ron rang the doorbell. "We're back!" Ron and Hermione sang joyfully.

"Oh…wow. You're outfits are so…bright. Said Angelina, squinting.

"You like? I also have it in blue, green, and pink." Ron boasted.

"You'll stop traffic." Angelina told them. "So how was your trip?"

"Amazing!" Hermione gushed.

"Hey, Dad." Fred called. "Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione are here!"

"No they aren't." George said, peering out the door. "It's just a sun burnt banana and an acorn."

"What?" Fred laughed.

"Okay, it's probably just some stupid tacky tourists that lost their way to the next gift shop." George said fairly.

"The 'sun burnt banana' has red hair." Fred said flatly.

George did a double take. "Oh, God, it is them! You're right, Fred! Who else would be stupid enough to wear that hideous shirt!?"

"Mum! Dad!"Rose and Hugo screamed.

"That's not your parents." Said Roxanne. "It's just some loser who forgot to apply sun block and his wife who obviously falls for scams and buys cheap tiki torches."

"And yet, as those words come out of you're mouth, doesn't that sound like Ron and Hermione to you?" George said.

"It is them!" Roxanne gasped.

Rose and Hugo ran up to their parents. George followed them.

"Mum! Dad! You're back!" They screamed again, hugging them.

"Ow, Rosie, don't touch me. I have sun burn on my back." Ron commanded.

"How was your vacation?" Hugo asked.

"Just wonderful." Hermione said, hugging him.

"Wonderful enough to go stay another week?" Rose asked hopefully.

"What?" Ron said.

"We just had so much fun at Uncle George's!" Hugo said happily.

George smiled at Ron and Hermione's appalled faces.

"George took good care of you, I expect." Hermione said nervously.

"Good care of us?" Rose laughed. "It was amazing! Amazing!"

"And why was that?" Ron said through gritted teeth. Obviously, the jealousy was getting to him.

"We got to play with Fred and Roxanne…" Rose started.

"We got to work at Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes…" Hugo added.

"We pulled pranks! Roxanne and I vs. Fred and Hugo!"

"We got to test George's latest, top-secret products…"

"We stayed up late!"

"Had ice cream for dinner!"

"And of course…" Rose began.

"He's rich!" Rose, Hugo, and George said in unison.


End file.
